Perfectionism

Ah, perfectionism, my old friend … I say this because I consider myself a recovering Perfectionist and can so readily empathise with those of you who are living your life with perfectionism ‘driving the car’.

 Why do we explore perfectionism in coaching? Perfectionism is the heavy armour we wear to stop ourselves from being seen due to a fear of disconnection.

 Wait, what? Isn’t perfectionism having really high standards and doing a great job? No, sadly not, that is healthy striving. Perfectionism is the ‘sneaky cousin’ of shame.

Shame says: ‘I’m bad, I’m not enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not fast enough, I’m not loveable, I’m not funny enough, I’m weak, I’m not important’ and when we fear shame or judgement many of us seek perfection as a way to avoid this judgement and the feeling of shame.

In her incredible book on emotions, Professor Brene Brown describes perfectionism as

‘…a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame.’

 So how do we deal with perfectionism and how can we learn to live without it?

 As perfectionism is about how we want to be seen and valued the first step is

1.        Developing your own Self-Worth

I have a post (HERE) for you on developing self-worth.

2.        Discovering your own innate and beautiful values.  Perfectionism often drives us to aspire to the values of others and when we live like this we risk becoming disconnected from ourselves.

I have a post (HERE) for you on discovering your values and needs.

3.        Working towards developing meaningful connections with those you love and trust to begin showing up as your true self and stepping out of your perfectionism armour.

4.        Recognising your emotions when they trigger perfectionist behaviour.

We often ‘feel’ the whisper of shame as an emotion … sometimes the emotion is fear associated with being seen and being vulnerable … Naming an emotion you are experiencing takes away its power to influence your behaviour, when you name an emotion you can sit with it and even begin having a conversation:

‘Oh, Hi fear, it’s you again, my palms are a bit sweaty and I feel a bit nervous. I know you’re coming up to try and warn me of something, but honestly, I’m not about to be eaten by a tiger so thanks for warning me but I’m going to do this action even though you are here… You can come along for the ride but you can’t steer the car on this one.’

You may initially feel daft talking to an emotion but try it, it has a number of benefits and may really help you resist the urge to act out of perfectionism.

Perfectionism is a way of living life in order to avoid the vulnerability of being seen for who you truly are. Working through this takes time but it is achievable and you can break free of perfectionism and live YOUR life on purpose as the version of YOU that you really are.